CONFLICT!!!

Most of us don’t do conflict all that well, so we usually avoid it.  

(I know, I know.  You’re thinking of a few folks who seem to conjure up conflict from thin air.  Understood, but in my experience, those folks are WAY in the minority.)  Back to my point…

Conflict is OK.  Really.  

It can actually be quite beneficial, if managed well.

When leaders (of families, churches, schools, businesses, ball teams, etc.) decide to learn the skills of managing conflict effectively, then teach/coach/model the same for those in our organizations, we stand a pretty good chance of making our organizations stronger.

 

Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence (1994) and Social Intelligence (2006) both point us to deeper understanding of the skills for managing conflict.  While both books are excellent reads for anyone interested in self or organizational improvement, Goleman’s assertions for effective emotional/social interaction are premised in these four elements: 

• Self awareness/knowledge 
• Self regulation/control 
• Others awareness 
• Relationship management

 As we grow more adept in each of those dimensions, the ability to manage, in fact, leverage, conflict follows.

Really.

GoodBoss,BadBoss

I recently read Good Boss, Bad Boss by Robert Sutton (2010). 

Sutton does a very nice job of painting a picture of the kinds of thinking, the ways of behaving, and the underlying dispositions of extremely effective "bosses" (we can translate that to mean "leaders").  He continually contrasts these elements against counter-examples of ineffective bosses.

The book is well worth the time for any who are interested in making themselves more effective through intentional growth and habit formations.  There is far too much "meat" in the book for me to try to capture it all in a brief summary, so let me share with you just a few of the highlights of my learning from the book:

• EVERYONE wins when the leader gives as much credit as possible to others and takes as little credit as possible for him/herself.
• Fight as if you are right, listen as if you are wrong.
• Ask a lot of good questions.
• Forgive people when they fail, remember the lessons, and teach them to everyone.
• Do not bullshit or lie to employees, as doing so can destroy their loyalty and confidence, along with your reputation.

Thanks to DP for this book recommendation.  You made me better, sir.

Last-Heard-Itis

I have observed a number of organizational leaders over the years who were guilty of reacting, and making decisions, in response to “the last person heard.” 

It is a painful situation to feel like 

you know what you’re supposed to be doing, 

     you understand the direction of the organization, 

          you have a good feel for “how things need to be done,” 

               you're making organizational progress at a brisk clip, 

only to have a curve ball thrown at you as a result of someone getting in the ear of a boss who succumbs to “the last person heard.”

And, every organization I’ve worked in had a few of those folks who refrained from making their positions known, from engaging in the dialogue/debate, but who always seemed to seek the boss out in private to try to influence (or reverse) decisions.  A very common ploy of said characters is that they portend to be speaking on behalf of a whole group of others. 

Leaders should always listen.  But, leaders should be very cautious of folks who operate in such clandestine fashion.

Arguments/positions, if worthy, should be able to stand the rigor of open discourse.  If they can't, the boss shouldn't be giving them credence (even if they do come from "the last person heard").

UnderPromise

One of the old saws of leadership is this: “Under promise, over deliver.”  

Sage advice, but I’d like to add a note of caution.  (Nope, I’m not gonna suggest that you over promise.)

I have seen some folks in leadership positions pervert that admonition into a practice of never promising anything.  They won’t stake out a position, make a claim, propose a direction, make a promise of any sort.  That is not leadership; it’s sissyship. 

So, what exactly should we promise?  

We can confidently promise integrity.  

We can confidently promise transparency.  

We can confidently promise full disclosure.  

We can confidently promise excellent effort.  

We can confidently promise genuine engagement and attention.  

Then, we decide how many widgets we will deliver, and when.  That is the place to under promise and over deliver.

The important lesson here is that the promise generates the expectation.  Promise nothing, and that’s what folks will expect of you. (And, they drift toward another provider). Promise too much, and folks will recognize it as bombast.  (And, they’ll probably drift toward another provider). 

Promise just under what you think you can deliver, then over deliver.

It'sThePEOPLE!

Fancy plans, complex systems, robust programs, high-sounding projects are nothing other than stuff.  

Success can never be built around these things, simply because they are things. 

Success only comes as result of the effort of people.  When people, especially teams of people, coalesce around a powerful idea/pursuit, then and only then do those things mentioned above make a difference.

A leader’s time is far better spent on finding, recruiting, co-opting, and developing people than it is spent on all those other things. 

You can’t lead stuff; you can only lead people.

Cluttered

One of the challenges of living in this blessed age of technology on steroids is that we can accomplish SO MUCH MORE!  We can read more, watch more videos, have more Facebook friends, send/receive more emails, send/receive more instant messages, make/receive more phone calls and voice mails on multiple phone lines that are all connected together, attend virtual and on-site conferences (at which we can still handle our daily work with our tablet or smart phone), and we can interface instantly with our work colleagues around the clock through multiple and ever-increasing media portals. 

Add to that the endless “homework assignments” that get handed to us (simply because we are so efficient), the vacation days that somehow go unused, the family events that get attended through Skype or texted videos (quality vs quantity time?), the working breakfasts/lunches/dinners,…………………………………………………….

Why is it that so many efficiency tools make for less and less efficiency?  The clutter seems overwhelming.  And, in fact, it is.  All this clutter conspires to make us less effective and less self-actualized in some of the most important things in our lives.

So, what’s a 21^st century human to do?

Balance has always been a challenge.  That is nothing new.  Achieving balance is especially difficult for those of us who fit the “driven” category. 

There’s an old saying that goes something like this:  “If you focus on everything then you focus on nothing.”

To unclutter requires the discipline and courage to step back and stand down in order to make some significant choices (yep, there’s that word again).  Here’s a nice recipe:

1)    Decide this: How Will You MeasureYour Life?  Determine a few (not a lot) of things that you value deeply and that move you intellectually/spiritually/physically.  These will be the things the folks who eventually stand around your grave will be thinking in relation to your accomplishments. (Don't think of these as metrics, but rather as standards).

2)    Once you have that SHORT list determined, write it down.  Codify it somehow; have it tattooed backward on your chest, write it on the bathroom mirror, use it as a screen saver, or employ some other convention to get that menu of must-dos in front of your eyes daily.  Yes, they are important, but they will get swallowed up by clutter if you don’t keep them constantly in front of your eyes, heart, ears, and mind.

3)    Let go, lovingly and kindly, of the tasks, requests, homework assignments, etc. that do not point you and move you in the direction of those standards.  In some cases this means saying “no” to some jobs/tasks/assignments/requests that come your way and in some cases it means simply choosing to make a “C” on those assignments instead of an “A.”

4)    Share this list of “the things that matter most to me” with others in some way.   It will help both you and those that know you understand and accept the ways that you are no longer willing to spend your time.

This process is hard.  But we can do it, and we should do it.

Our lives will be measured by it.